The Road to You

Y’all I’m tired. Not the tired a nap or some coffee will fix. Just straight out weary. If I think about needing to show up somewhere and be smiley and say “I’m good” to everyone’s “how are you’s”?? Well, I most likely will find myself busy. I may need to vacuum my room. Run a bunch of laps. Or, well, anything but show up.

I do show up in my home. I do still laugh with my kids, go climb until our arms want to fall off (that doesn’t take too long), watch funny movies, and bake sweets. Those things tell me I’m not depressed. I’m really doing pretty good, but life is more work than I expected. People change and grow slower than I want no matter the prayers and effort put in for quicker results. I’m part of those slowly changing people despite efforts.

I expect you can relate. I expect I’m not the only one who wishes I felt I could be more honest when asked how am. But what can another person do? They don’t have the power to change our circumstances. They may or may not relate. Most likely they will feel pressure to say something uplifting, and that rarely works to lift the spirits of a weary earth traveler. I do suspect that’s why God wishes we bring Him our weariness and not friends, family, or unsuspecting strangers. He knows He alone has the ears to always hear, the patience for our ill placed anger or blame, the grace and abilty to forgive us for things we say that are purely coming from our hurt, and of course the power to work ALL things together for our good. But I must also admit that knowing everything I just typed out, I have grown weary of talking with Him. Out loud praying, not happening. I’ve felt unheard, rejected, punished, judged, and certainly disappointed. In those feelings I’ve grown pretty silent, deeply sad, and my go to emotion- I’m angry.

But yet. I want to hold onto hope. I want to hear from God. I want to be faithful. I want to be joyful in affliction. I want to believe in God’s goodness and faithfulness. Yet all I can manage is a in my head thought/prayer, “God help my unbelief.” Help me believe that in marriage struggles, you did place us together and you are developing us even now into a stronger couple. In my parenting disappointments Lord I need to know you’re good and the plans you have for my kids are good. Help me believe and preferably FEEL that in my weakness you are here guiding me in each moment of each very long day. God help me see that you exist. Help me once again feel confident in the story you are writing with my life. Help. Hear. Do something. Any of that sound like something you might be tired of asking too? Read Psalms lately? I relate. Someone hand me a harp, and a cave.

Well, I can’t play the harp, and no one handed me one. So this week I’m thankful for a friend sending me this book. “Dark clouds. Deep Mercy. Discovering the Grace of Lament” by Mark Vroegop.

If you can relate to any of the feelings I wrote about above, I would recommend this book. It is honest about life’s hardships, but also shows us a way forward in our wrestling, and in our weariness.

I’m here today taking notes, typing this out to share this book with you, and saying a quick prayer in my head that God will lead us, strengthen us, and help our unbelief turn again into confidence in Him and His good plan that is surely still at work in our lives even now.

Here’s to you and I as we continue to figure out how to best walk this road towards home.