The Road to You

This week I had the rare opportunity to be out in the world and speak with another adult. This used to be so common when my kids were little, and I was at parks chatting with other parents. Now, usually my chats are with my older kids, my husband, my counselor, and myself. All other adult talk is usually texts to friends when I’m feeling under water and need them to say, “Hey, yea me too.”

I found myself on the library playground giving my youngest a break from schoolwork. A gentleman began speaking with me when our kids started playing together. He was telling me ages of his other children and asked me the ages of mine. When he found out I have two girls and two boys he commented on it. In response I felt the urge to tell him my first two ended up being girl then boy through birth, and my second two were girl, then boy through adoption. He asked, “when it is already so hard to parent your children, what made you want to parent someone else’s?”

I smiled.

I have been “in the weeds” as some say in my efforts to be, give, and do all the things I feel I need to as a mom and a wife. His question made me smile because it took me back. It was nice to pull back from where I am and be reminded of the desires birthed long ago that lead to the moments I now live in.

As I answered his question, and those that followed, I looked at my boy. He was dripping sweat. He was being a kind big boy to the other little boys on the playground. In those moments in the sun talking to a dad, I was grateful. My now could have been different. What if I didn’t say yes to this foster and adoption road? Where would my son and daughter be? Who would I be if I hadn’t been made to change through the hard experience of parenting kids from hard places?

My dad once told me he wouldn’t change anything in the past because by changing one thing you change everything. In my hardest moments I do wonder if I would say the same. Some days I am tempted to think, “Oh I would go back and do it all differently! I would not choose to end up here.” Maybe you have felt the same. Maybe you made some big mistakes, maybe you went what you thought was the right way, and now life is not what you thought it would be. I feel that. But here we find ourselves, and we can’t go back. What do we do with today? Do we live in regret? Do we constantly wish to start over? Or do we pick up our heads right where we are and see the good that is here even in the hard? I’ve been having a hard time seeing the good, and I literally asked God “help me see you here.” He has. He really has. Then when I didn’t ask for it I do believe he sent this dad to help me look back at the beginning, and look up at the now, and see this is all good. He is leading us somewhere good, and yes the road is rocky but everyone’s road is rocky. Let’s wrap up some rolled ankles together, and continue forward together. Let’s ask each other “why did you choose this?” Maybe we can help each other to remember the why’s that lead to now so we can once again be grateful amidst it all.

Just for sharing sake. The day of this conversation I had gotten up early to do a run before getting my youngest to O.T. and my older three to the library for a day of homeschooling. I ran slower than anticipated so I got in the car with a towel on my head, and still trying to stop sweating. My oldest was driving in her-new to her-first car! My next oldest was taking a picture to document our first drive in the car. My youngest was complaining because he didn’t like having to sit in the middle seat (in our other car he complains because he is in the back row.) I was smiling, because we were all together in this milestone moment. I did look sweaty and towel head crazy, and that made me smile too. After O.T. and school at the library we grabbed food to eat once we got home. While eating our lunch and laughing, my husband came down to prep dinner. He is a great cook and is always trying new recipes on the weeks that he cooks. On that day it was a Mexican meatloaf he was prepping. Well, we heard a sound from him that said, “I just cut myself” without saying those words of course. Maybe you know the sound. It’s a thssss sound. I asked was it bad, he didn’t answer. I will spare you the stomach upsetting details. It ended up with a trip to the ER. While in the ER, I facetimed our youngest to help calm his freakout at home. We picked a candy out for dad from the vending machine. I bought an extra and left it in the ER vending machine to surprise the next visitor. We laughed with the triage nurse, we laughed with the ER nurse. We ended the day everyone together at home, with my husband watching football hand in a pointer finger extended cheering foam finger look. Oh, and in my daughters bedroom was a hummingbird that the cat had injured. She had rescued the bird from certain death and was keeping alive until we could drive it to the bird rehabilitation location near us. It’s chaos. But it’s ours. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Not in this moment when I can remember how we got here.

Thank you God for sending someone to get me to pick my head up and remember you brought me here, and you haven’t left.

What’s your why? Can you remember and smile? Or are the tears too thick that your eyes blur and the carpet your laying face down on gets soggy?…I’ve been there too. I’ll be there again. But we don’t have to stay down. Much love to you wherever you are in your journey towards home.