The Road to You

I know I’m not the only one who feels like there just aren’t words for the difficulties we face in life sometimes.

My prayer the last two days. “God help.” That’s all I can muster. Before that I would say in my head “I don’t have words. I can’t sing. I can’t pray. But I’m here (in church standing during worship), can that be enough?”

I’m feel like I’m constantly trying to decide, did I go wrong somewhere? Is right here where I was aiming all along? Was I meant to get to this very hard place or was it in error that I arrived here? Punishment, sin, lack of faith… I think maybe I went wrong in believing that if I did all the right things, pushed past fear, moved towards where I felt God leading despite risks involved that everything would turn out fine (really I thought more than fine, great even.)

Maybe, it all will turn out great one day. In fact I do still hope for that happy ending experience, but ultimately I’m getting closer and closer to believing that the happy ending will only come in eternity. Therefore, I am at work now to cultivate joy, peace, and fortitude for the earth-side experience.

I don’t want to feel like life is survival. Many days of late I have felt like I’m just working to make it to bedtime without falling apart completely. Sometimes days end with me needing to have a fall apart quietly away from everyone, other days I lose my cool trying to hold myself together and then end my day with apologies for whatever irrational meanness I may have said during my “I can’t do this anymore” feelings.

Surely, I’m not the only one who struggles. There are people with struggles I see to be harder than my own. My family loves me. I have a family I love as well. God has provided for us even this year with new insurance so that now all of my people can get the mental health coverage we haven’t had before. Now, all our counseling isn’t out of pocket (wow, that’s expensive when it is). I could list and list the provision and the good. I really could. But, I could also list where I lay in bed in the morning doing breathing exercises so I can be my best self once my feet hit the floor. I start my day in my Bible (most days) because I need the life God may provide as I read it. I workout my physical body so that the fatigue that weighs heavy doesn’t win.

I do. I try. I fall short.

Isn’t that the life experience without God? Doing. Trying. Falling short. Is that also the life experience with God? I think so. With one big difference. With God, there’s hope. I am thankful I can have hope that He is here and at work and that life won’t always feel like this…..and if life does always feel hard, impossible, and disappointing I still have hope that eternity will still hold me, and all my people in a final resting place holding all that we never could attain fully earth-side.

God. Help.

I pray now for all of you who feel in-over-your-head. You love God. You are being obedient. You are saying “I believe, help my unbelief.” I pray your path crosses with fellow Christians to lift you up. I pray you can know that God loves you. I pray you can know and believe that you are going to make it. I pray that you have glimpses of God’s glory earth-side. I pray that one day we are heaven-side, and those we struggle with now, are healed and whole and right there beside us. All of us forever worshipping The One who welcomes us home “my good and faithful servant.”