The Road to You

Just the other day:

I was busy getting my youngest ready for a field trip to a local pumpkin patch. I was thinking only of getting our lunches together, and getting out the door on time.

As I drove, it hit me. I’ve been to this pumpkin patch before. The first time at this pumpkin patch, I had a little boy with me.

Back then:

He was cute, he was loved, and he was our son through foster care. I had dreams for his future. I dreamt he would either be with me as his adoptive mom, or he would be with his birth mom. I imagined what it would be like to raise my foster son forever. I had chose a name he would have if he gained our last name. I also imagined what it would be like to hand him back to his mother. I knew God would be with my baby boy, and with me in whichever of those paths was meant to be experienced. I knew I would be ok with either. I just wanted what was best for the little boy I loved. His smile, his eyes, his sweet little mouth, his soft curls….I loved him.

Fast forward to a to a few months later. It was clear that this little boy wasn’t to be my forever son, but little boy I loved so much also wasn’t going to go back to his birth mom. Nothing I dreamed of took place, and everything I didn’t want or imagine did take place. When I found myself back in that pumpkin patch, without that baby boy I was tearful, lost, and confused. I looked over the corn field maze that year, and I felt lost in the middle of my own maze. I felt used up. I felt abandoned. My faith was shaken. I was afraid I had failed that little boy, my family, and God. But, I was still standing. I was hoping desperately that I didn’t fail, and that God had a different plan for me…I was having a really hard time believing God was good, and that this place I was in was survivable.

Now:

It’s been more than a handful of years since I’ve been so confused and so lost. God has brought me through, and allowed me to experience the light of the plan He had all along. He gave me several other babies to love through foster care. Through the experience with my first little boy, God taught me to let go. He taught me to trust Him. He taught me that He orders my steps.

So as I drove I wondered, what will I feel when I look out of the pumpkin patch today? Will I feel sad again?

I am here to report I did not feel sad. I felt grateful. I felt happy. I felt blessed. I felt like God had certainly grown me in that season and brought me to a much better place. I got the sense that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Not to mention I am a forever mom to the most amazing little boy. There was another mother for the son I once I had. There was also another mother for the son I now have. I hurt for my son’s birth mom, while also relishing the experience of being the forever mom my son.

I am not sure there is a word for the feeling of being broken, chosen, equipped, prepared, matured, healed, whole, and happy. But I felt it all when I heard my forever son say several times, “Mom are you coming?” Just as I take pleasure that my son looks for the assurance that I am with him and I am not leaving; I take that same pleasure asking God, “Father, is this where you want me?” I felt God today in the cool breeze, and in my son’s big grin….”Yes, Courtney. You are right where I was always leading you to be.”

For you:

If you are in a season and you just aren’t sure what God is up to. You aren’t sure you like what you see. God isn’t doing what you hoped He would do. Let me reassure you, He is a good God. He is a loving Father. He has plans for you that you can’t even imagine. They are everything you dreamed of and more. This season, you are being prepared for what’s ahead. You are being molded and changed for an experience you are not ready for just quite yet. The wait is worth it. Don’t quit. I almost did. Every day I breathe in the goodness of being alive. Every day I can’t believe I am experiencing what I couldn’t picture back when I was lost in a dry corn maze that was my life. Now my life feels like a bright yellow field of sunflowers. Don’t get me wrong my life is not all easy, but I’ve experienced harder. You can walk through hard things too. You will experience God’s goodness again in the land of the living. Seek him and you will find him, knock and he will answer. (Matt. 7:7)

Then:

Now: