The Road to You

The summer after I asked my husband to take our foster son (baby) back to The Department of Human Resources, I was struggling. I felt like I had failed God, failed that baby, and failed my entire family who loved that child with me. I felt like I was a weak link, and that if I had been stronger that child would still be in our home, and everyone would be happy. I had begged God for months to strengthen me so I could continue forward caring for that little guy either until he no longer needed our home, or forever as our son. Yet, every day I was getting upset with him when he was upset, and I never could figure out a way to be enough to keep him happy and settled, still care for my other little ones, and be a good wife for my husband. I felt like a failure on all accounts. I had to ask for him to leave. This long period of struggling and fighting the letting go, broke me.

To an outsider, I was showing up to things, I was meeting people at the park, I was smiling, and on the inside life was losing color, I had tears behind my sunglasses, yet the smile for others was there to hide all going on inside of me.

I knew I couldn’t stay home in bed and cry. I had three little kids still depending on me so I got up and moved every day. I lost weight because food didn’t hold an appeal. I wondered if I would ever be ok again. The devil took my exhaustion, took my self-doubt and fed me the lies that said, “You are a failure. Everyone would be happy if you had been stronger. You can’t help anyone. You can’t even take care of a baby for as long as he needed you. Who do you think you are? God isn’t going to use you again. The Department of Human Resources will never call, they think you’re an unfit parent.”

I believed him.

I still smiled when out in public.

I still showed up to places.

Smiles can hide broken people. Look closer. Love stronger. Be kind when they can’t show up. Go to them if possible, pray fighting prayers for them, bring them a smoothie and encourage them to eat, speak the truth that God chooses them despite of felt and possible real weaknesses, tell them they are incredibly loved and the world is better with them in it, and if they can’t show up, or let you come to them, know that they aren’t doing well and need fought for in prayer even harder. Send a card filled with the truth of God’s ability to bring them from this dark place to life again. Tell them of God’s ability to heal, restore, and make whole again.

If you are in a dark place speak to someone who loves you. Tell them the whole truth, and not just part of it. If they don’t know how dark you are inside they won’t know how to fight for you or help you.

For suicide prevention line call 988.

There are people who have been where you are, and have lived to tell about it. I’m one of them. I love you. You can make it through to experience joy again. Let someone in on your struggle. To fight alone is to lose. Isolation is dangerous.

For information on depression click here to perhaps see yourself in a different light, and label what is going on inside of you.

Counselors are available. Here and here and many other places.

More about this experience and how God brought me through is shared in my soon to release book “The Road to You A Roadmap to Foster Care.” Click here to pre-order.