The Road to You

This post is for foster parents and/or adoptive parents who do have the option for birth family relationships. I know some adopted children are unfortunately not given any birth family information or option for contact. Children in those circumstances still need to be able to honor their lost family and grieve that lack of connection. (There are ways to do this. Email me if you want guidance. I do have a child with that life experience.)

Birth family. I know this topic can bring anxiety, fear, anger, and mixed emotions. However, my personality lends to me wanting to face all of those possible emotions head-on. I don’t have an avoidant personality. I have some in house family members who do have more avoidant personalities. I can see the benefits of not living in “this must be faced” mode. I also see the con’s when things are never faced.

Whether you naturally fall on either side of the address or don’t address issue….It is healthy to acknowledge our feelings. It will be up to you as the parent to decide when to address difficult topics, and when to let an opportunity pass. You must know that the topic of birth family must be addressed…the questions are more when and how? Not will I?

When to talk about birth family: based on your child’s tendency to question or want to address hard topics.

My people that are avoidant of negative emotions have a hard time pinning down what they feel. So, I come into birth family conversations with them knowing they will need more time, and possibly some guidance as we work to label sadness, anger, grief, fear, happiness or any other possible emotional response. I also, have to be the one to bring up the topic of birth family based on opportunities that arise naturally (say a movie or book that talks about adoption, or a question brought up to the child by the general public). I may have to use “Mother’s Day” for instance and say something along the lines of, “Do you think of your first mom on day’s like today? I do.” I always want to let the child know that I think of their first family, that way they feel safe to share that they do too. Maybe your child will say they don’t think of them. That’s okay. Ask if they would like to talk about what they would wonder about their first family. Ask what they would wish their first family knew about them. I love to ask a question and answer it for myself, that way it puts my child at ease, gives them a jumping off point, and provides space and time to consider their answer since they said they hadn’t thought of this topic before hand.

My head-on people, it’s more important for me to make sure they are physically fed, and in a good emotional state before I address a difficult topic. If it’s been a hard week for them, and I have an opportunity to talk about a possible call with birth family. I will probably opt, to save that talk for another week. My head-on, passionate people, can only carry so much. It’s up to me as mom to protect them from too many collisions. Whereas, with my avoidant people sometimes need to be pointed and encouraged towards a little collision with hard emotions. I don’t want my child to be hit with all the emotions one day when they give birth to a child (or someone asks them a first family question), and find themselves thinking for the first time, “How or why did my birth parent not raise me?” I aim to make sure we start facing it while the children are still in my home and I’m here to walk the rocky paths with them. I would ask that you consider to do the same with your child(ren).

Pro’s for birth family contact:

Birth family can be a golden resource for you and for your child. When you take a child into your home through adoption you are bringing a child that came pre-wired to love and dislike different things than you. They will have mannerisms that you didn’t teach them. They will have concerns and fears that they inherited from their family of origin. They will have passion for things maybe no one in your family never had a passion for. I find all of that very exciting to watch unfold. I love seeing my child, do something that I know he does just like his sister. I love when they both love the same snack. I didn’t teach or encourage that. I just get to witness and discover the golden first family ties. I am always looking for fun commonalities between my child and their family of origin. In my experience my child has easily been able to be well loved in the adoptive family, and also have love for the family of origin. I, as the adoptive parent, also look to show my child the ways that we are similar. Whether that be a love for reading. A love for the outdoors. Curly hair. Anything that says you and I are the same. I want my child to feel that they belong in both spheres and that the adoptive family love is not in competition with first family love. We are in addition to.

Another pro. Medical history. You can ask questions for doctors visits, if you have first family contact. I have found this very helpful. If there are older siblings it can be very valuable to learn about their life experience to give you a more full picture of what your child my also struggle with. If there is a long line of drug addiction, you don’t need to assume your child is going to struggle in that area as well. But, you could be curious and proactive to treat anxiety, impulsivity and other struggles in a more healthy and also legal way. I have cause to believe that some addictions have come about as a way to self-medicate. If we give our children counselors to provide regulation tools, and guidance through hard emotions, and psychiatrists for needed medications maybe we won’t leave out child searching for ways to self-medicate as they grow older.

****We cannot protect or prevent our children from making any unwise choices. We can only provide them with resources and tools, and then pray that God guides them as they grow and make decisions for themselves. God’s love is the only fool proof plan for our child. As a parent we cannot operate out of fear and avoidance of hard things for our children. Instead, we must seek God’s guidance on what tools and resources to employee for our child. While always loving our child unconditionally. That’s it.

Another pro to birth family contact is the chance for birth family to witness your love for their relative. Love is what changes people. Even witnessing love changes people. Being open to contact, treating people like the family they are…you never know what God could do in their lives because of your willingness to be loving.

Another pro. I have birth family relatives that check in when my child is sick, or just to see how the school week went. When my child is having a hard day, they know what that feels like. They have similar struggles and anxieties. I LOVE knowing how many people love my child. We don’t have to be meeting up, I don’t even share pictures at this point (because this child is very protective of how he feels about people knowing him if he doesn’t feel like he also knows them….So although I would feel find sending updates and pictures…He allows the updates…but no pictures and I honor that.)…Just a text to say, “I hope you guys are doing well, this is how this week went for us..” A text to share a funny moment…A text to share a good report….and to receive one in response to that echos love and pride…man that’s gold.

Last but not least, I believe that supporting birth family relationships can instill confidence in your adopted child. It assures them of who they are, both in your family and in their family of origin. It gives your child answers to questions that even if your child doesn’t ask, the world will ask. Truth/facts can disarm the devil to fill your child’s head with lies of why they live in a family that is not their family of origin. The devil would love for your child to believe something is wrong with them, instead of knowing the truth that we live in a broken world and because of that-some people experience hardships that cost them the experience of raising their children. There are lots of reasons that adoption becomes necessary, but a child should know adoption doesn’t mean unwanted, broken, or given away. Adoption means loss. Adoption is trauma. Adoption also means chosen. Adoption means family. Adoption is love. After all, Jesus was adopted too. Let’s instill confidence. Let’s arm our child with truth. Yes some of the truth is painful. Hurt can heal and leave us stronger. You as the parent have a great responsibility to walk through these talks with grace, compassion, honesty, and love. You start while your child is young and add to the story as they grow older. Some parts won’t need to be addressed until age appropriate. Do not lie. You don’t have to share everything, just tell them they can hear more when you think they are ready. Your child will appreciate knowing they can trust you. If you lie about one thing, they could decide that the fact that you say they are chosen and loved is also a lie. Don’t lie. You can say, “I don’t think you’re ready for that answer yet.” Just don’t make things up. If you are not sure what to say or do maybe look for a trusted counselor could help you both walk through thoughts and emotions, if you don’t feel able to on your own.

Birth family contact con’s:

First con: Some people don’t respect boundaries or understand the need for boundaries…You will have to be up front about what contact looks like for you at this time, and what it doesn’t look like. If they want to be part of the child’s life they will have to respect that. These would be best laid out and understood in a phone call or in person, but sometimes I text them. So far I’ve had very understanding people in our lives and we have had no problems.

Second Con: You will be more aware of the struggles in your child’s family of origin. This could lead to you being more anxious about what the future looks like for your child. (That hasn’t been the case so much for me. Instead birth family knowledge fuels my advocacy for my child’s therapies now.)

Third Con: You could feel weighed down by the amount of trauma in your child’s linage. It is painful to see people suffer. I do worry and feel anxiety for the future of my child’s family origin sometimes. I am one to want to help fix and bring everyone to a place of happiness and sometimes that’s not my job. I can’t do that for everyone of my child’s relatives. And neither can you for your child’s family of origin. You can show them love. You can pray for them. You can reassure them of their family who became your family through adoption- is being loved and well cared for. You cannot fix everything for everyone though. I hate that. I know you hate that too. I have threatened this tattoo “If I could fix everything I wouldn’t need Jesus.” I wouldn’t and they wouldn’t..so let’s just be the love of Jesus. We will bring their names before Jesus. We will have to choose to not carry the weight of all their burdens though. It’s in prayer that we can lay them down…. Remind yourself, this is not within my power to change, but God can do anything. Hand each person and each burden to Him.

Anything I missed or didn’t address? I’d love to hear from other adoptive and foster families.