The Road to You

As a foster parent, when I prepare for a day spent in family court this is what I do.

First, let’s pack the bag.

Included in this bag are:

1.) Snacks/food. First, I consider the child I am taking with me (usually a baby 0-2 years.) Second, I consider myself. Water bottle, coffee, gum, chocolate cover almonds if I have them, a granola bar..things to get you through what is probably going to be more than a few hours.

2.) Necessities like bottles, wipes, and diapers.

3.) Entertainment. I bring small toys, and of course the pacifier.

4.) I print out recent pictures for the birth family. I usually have phone contact with birth family and send them pictures almost daily (that’s just me..definitely not a requirement for foster parents.) However, I love a printed out picture they can take with them and have. Lot’s of times I bring my favorite one in a frame that they can put up at home.

5.) Let’s say the child I have is going to go to a new foster family or a relative placement. I pack a note with encouragement for the new family. I also print out a “typical day” schedule just as help for whomever may welcome the child in next. I want to set the child up for success and save the future family some stress.

6.) I bring any recent doctor appointment handouts, vaccine records, etc. I give these or pictures of these to social workers, and/or family.

7.) If I have small fidgets and things at home, then I will bring a few. I like to be prepared to bring joy and peace to any and all little ones that I may encounter. The lobby at our family court is a pretty boring place. Benches. No toys. No snacks. They did add a book vending machine recently. Each child that comes is allowed a token for a free book upon each visit.

These days are emotionally charged. If you can hand over a small sucker to calm nerves, or place a spinner in anxious hands…you could be a glimmer of light in an otherwise dark day.

Second, let’s drive.

On the drive to family court I have a playlist on my phone titled “fighting songs.” Some people have workout playlists. I have a court day playlist. My songs are my favorite God-Is-Fighting-For-You type songs. All with the theme of how God never fails. You definitely want to go into court days with God being in charge being in the forefront of your mind. The songs that bring you peace need saved to one spot. So, you can find them when your brain is scrambled.

Just the other day I had a day where the family court hearing didn’t go like we expected. Sometimes that’s good and we are happily surprised with the outcome. In this case the court ruling resulted me making a call to my husband saying, “I think I have to leave [the baby] here.”

I had tears falling as I carried that little one to a waiting car.

I got in my car and went to put it in drive. I thought, “what am I doing?! Just put it back in park and fall apart already.” So, I did. I let myself grieve that what I had hoped for didn’t happen. I sobbed because I had to make the choice to leave the little one I loved. Love doesn’t always leave you feeling warm and content. Love sometimes feels like falling apart.

Third, how to move forward.

After letting myself let go, I was able to get home. I’m a mom. I have four kids at home that still need me. I have tasks that still have to be done. I can’t stay in falling apart-mode. I have been in this place before. I know that although I was surprised and disappointed by the court day outcome, God was not. His plan for this child, and this family would not be stopped. God, also wasn’t done with me.

It’s easy when things don’t go as we planned, to start looking for “where did I go wrong?” Or maybe, “what could I have done differently? Did I fail?”

I will say, after 8 years of being a foster parent, and experiencing many days in family court. I have grown. God has strengthened me, grown me, and matured me. On this most recent day, I did not place the blame upon myself. I did not assume that this court ruling was a mistake.

Instead, I trusted God was doing something I didn’t understand. I trusted that today’s ruling was exactly what He planned. I trusted I had been obedient. I trusted I had done everything God intended me to do. I trusted that God was proud of me. I trusted this child was going to go forward to a place God had prepared for her.

Trust Him.

There have been days I have not trusted Him. I would say that all my grey hair might be evidence of lack of trust. I have experienced much grief when I haven’t understood His ways. I have walked in fear and anxiety when I couldn’t trust Him. However, in 8 years of walking with God as a foster parent. He has not failed me one time. Is every child I have loved exactly where I would choose for them to be? No, not yet. But, I know in each story that if it’s not good then it’s not over. I have seen and experienced God’s love for me and for each child. I have seen God’s hand on their lives and on mine. I have seen God. I will not forget God’s faithfulness in the past.

If you find yourself forgetful, that’s ok. I have too. If you just started this foster parent journey and aren’t sure He is trust worthy. Let me assure you I have found God so close in pain and so faithful to His promises. Although, you read that I did, 8 years into this journey, need to get in my car and cry hard. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust Him. It was only because letting go really hurts.

God will prove Himself worthy of your faith. I promise.

In fact, it felt like the Lazarus story. Jesus wept. Then, Jesus raised from the dead. It’s ok to experience grief while still trusting God has the ability to bring us back to life.

If you grieve. Grieve. If you are disappointed acknowledge it. You feel extra angry? Cool, me too. It’s ok to be angry. If you lack trust, admit it. Ask God to help you to believe again. All of these emotions in one day? Yep. Me too. You are doing this right.

The next day:

I awoke very early the day after court. Immediately I wondered how our love bug was. I said a prayer for her. I got of bed, got my bible, my journal, and my coffee (with homemade eggnog in it…because it’s December and it’s a staple…try it..”Nogfee” Thank me later.)

I was able to pray for the person that I felt turned the tide of the day…I’m still not a fan of theirs, but I could have compassion on the ignorance. I know we all don’t know what we don’t know, until we know it…..I prayed for them to be shown what I felt like they weren’t seeing.

I was able to see that perhaps this was like the story in the Bible of Moses and Pharaoh. In the Bible, God knew He was going to bring the Israelite’s out of slavery in Egypt. God chose Moses to lead them out. God had Moses perform powerful signs for Pharaoh…..and then God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that Pharaoh would not let God’s people go….Whattttt????!!!

Maybe a heart had been hardened. Maybe a couple hearts….

God gave us those bible stories to not just be entertained by, but for application. Yes, there are vulnerable children and families in captivity in a broken foster-care system. However, God has a plan to bring them out and to free them. You may be the Aaron called to be a voice. You may be Moses called to foster and help lead children and families to freedom. Note the wandering in the dessert. When you feel lost in a dry land you can read how God brought His people to a promised land...and yes it was after considerable time in a dessert. Note how God fed his people, and sustained them. He will do the same for you and I. The God of old is the God of today. He still feeds. He still parts waters. He still makes good on promises.

If I rambled. If I jumped around to different Bible stories….This is me…post a day spent in family court.

I was grieving…but now I am full of life and hope…..How? People see the sweet babies my family loves on and they say “I don’t know how you do it.” Meaning I don’t know how you let go….God…The yes to welcome in is in obedience and in defiance of fear…the letting go is the same.. We trust Him…That’s how. We choose trust over fear, again and again.

I will sit and cry again. My heart will feel broken again…So will you…But boy aren’t we all worth someone loving so well it feels like it kills them? I know God thought I was worth dying for…So, I pray He continues to use me to love people until it hurts..again…and again…