The Road to You

She took her time coming to the door. I heard voices, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. We wait. We push another button, maybe that’s the doorbell. We wait. I move to resort to knocking. Now, the door opens and the one I came to see is there! Relief floods me as I see her face. I spoke to her last night, but was still worried she wouldn’t be there when I got there to see her. She is shaky. She has tremors when she is nervous. Her eyes are red. Why are her eyes red? There’s a red spot on her lip and a bruise beside her eye. Where did those come from? Her hair is done nicely though I bet she likes that.

Oh, I’m so glad to see her smile and be able to hug her. She smiles too. She tells us she loves us, and of course we tell her we love her. I hate this. I hate that I can’t just ask her if she is ok as there are people watching and listening the whole time we interact. I know it’s supposedly for her safety, but if she isn’t ok how am I to know? I don’t want to ask her a question that gets her in trouble later. I also don’t want to get banned from coming to see her by being “nosy.”

Was she crying before she came to the door? Did they tell her they were not going to let us see her? We were two minutes before our appointed time, surely she wasn’t worried we weren’t coming.

I’m so glad we are here. I’m so glad to see her and not just hear her over the phone. At least on this day we get to feed her, in fact she was surprised and laughed with pleasure when she saw we brought the food she was craving. Now we get to tell her we love her to her face and hug her as we do so. But when we have to leave none of this feels like nearly enough.

I want to tell her get your things and get in the car. I want to tell her I’ll get her all the resources she needs to heal from the years of trauma she has experienced up until now, but I can’t. Those aren’t decisions I’m allowed to make for her. In fact this visit is a complete privilege for us and for her, and another visit isn’t guaranteed. How long will it be before we see her again? I have to quit thinking and take pictures and videos and make conversation. I have been making conversation while my thoughts and observations run constantly in the background. I bet she does the same.

God why don’t all your kids get the love and protection they deserve? Why do you allow me to walk in this hurt with her, but don’t show me the way to get her out? Why was life so hard for her from the very beginning? I believe you are good and kind and what I am seeing about her life is not good and kind. You have to be here. When is redemption coming? When is salvation coming? Not spiritual salvation as I have heard her speak of you and her belief in you, but physical salvation from this situation. When will she be free? When will she live without fear? When will she have her voice heard. When will she know what love and life could look like outside of all this mess? When will she know your goodness and kindness?

I pray all the way home. I ask God all the questions. I wrack my brain for a place where I could have done something differently to leave all of us in a better spot. I come up with nothing. I think I have done everything I could have done. I’ve called all the people, I’ve spoken up, and most importantly I have kept my promise to her to keep showing up.

If I am allowed, I will always show up.

I look at the pictures I took. I see love. I see joy. I see peace. I see strength. I see beauty. I see resilience. But underneath the good stuff, I also see pain. I see the after effects of trauma. I see neglect. I see forgotten. I see abandoned. I see let down. I see disappointed.

As a foster parent, you can’t do it all, but we can show up. We can love. We can bring lunch. We can send advocacy emails. And some who aren’t foster parents may be able to advocate for vulnerable children in other roles such as CASA, probation officer, judge, lawyer, and the general public. God help us all see your children who need a whole lot of healthy love and give them all the tools to succeed. God help us not get lost and defeated when we see the behaviors that come as a result of neglect, trauma, and unmet needs. It hurts to see the behaviors and not know what to do. Sometimes the behaviors bring physical pain to the hurting child and those around them. I know this. But we can’t look away. If we look away and decide that that child is someone else’s “problem” we are looking away from the heart of their heavenly Father. Matthew 25:31-46 says when we have visited, welcomed in, given food, provided water, and covered with clothing to the least of these, then we have done it also unto our Father. The reverse is also true. Let’s not leave our Lord, on the porch of someone else’s house, or in the street begging for bread. There’s got to be more we can do.

God is there with her. I know he is even though I don’t see him. I know he is because he says he is a father to the fatherless, he fights for the orphan, he says he will lead the prisoner out with singing (Psalm 68:5-6). I’m ready to sing, and I know she is too. How many days will she walk in this broken place? I pray she walks as many days as it takes to walk out. God hold on her to her. God strengthen her. God allow me to walk beside her until the part where she is walking out singing. God please open more eyes to see your kids and not turn away from their needs.