The Road to You

How do you tell your child that they were adopted? When do you tell your child that they were adopted? How much will they understand? What’s the right age? I seek to offer some advice and food for thought when it comes to answering these big questions.

I am not adopted, but I have children who are. I speak from our shared family experience up until this point.

I know some people adopt and their children end up looking like them, so maybe they don’t feel the need to have early adoption talks with their child. However, I was not afforded the chance to avoid the adoption topic, even if I had wanted to, because at only the age of two, my daughter cried because she realized her eyes didn’t look like my eyes. When that happened, I was a little caught off guard. I didn’t think she would see the difference in skin color, and eye color so young.

I say, based on that experience, that is never too young to start talking about adoption with your child.

How do I begin? Maybe sit them in your lap like it’s story time. Maybe even check your local library for kid friendly books on the topic. However, you don’t even need that. You can say, “Have I ever told you about the day you joined our family?” Maybe your child is too young to answer. Pause. Then continue.

On the day you joined our family, I felt…

I heard…

I said….

Then, I saw you…

You were this big….

You wore the softest little grey and white pajamas.

I cuddled you up on my chest…

If your child joined you as a foster placement before adoption, you can say I didn’t know on that day that you would be here forever, but I’m so happy that you are. Stop there. You don’t have to give a ton of information the first time. Just a happy story about them joining the your family. Now, if you have waited and they are old enough to ask questions, answer them. If they cry, you can cry too. If they are mad, just be silent and present. You can acknowledge, that you see they are angry but you don’t have to guess why, unless your gut says otherwise. You don’t need to guide them to be happy about the news of their adoption. Let them feel what they feel, and be in the moments with them. Adoption isn’t all happy. It isn’t all beauty. It’s ok to acknowledge those emotions.

Won’t they be sad if they know they are adopted? Wouldn’t waiting until they are older and can understand more protect their little heart?

Yes, your child might react with sadness or anger at the news of their adoption. Those are normal emotional responses that they will have whether they are three or thirty years old. I would much rather walk with my child at the age of three with that anger, that level of understanding, and then again at three and a half, and four, and nine… why not talk about it multiple times, at different levels of understanding and explanation? Little bit by little bit. Verses unloading everything on a person at a time you deem the age appropriate for the adoption talk. A person that is older, will have more questions, more anger, more sadness, and more to look back over and re-evaluate now in the light of news about themselves they were unaware of. Then ask questions like why didn’t you tell me? Who all knows I’m adopted? Everyone but me?

When I asked my daughter who is now nine years old, what if I just now told you, that you are adopted, how do you think you would feel? Her response was quick, and that is not typical of harder questions with her. “I would hate that.” When questioned about why, she said she wouldn’t want to have not had all those years to know of or look for her birth family. (We did DNA testing to give her the chance to find birth family, should any ever join the same data base.) She also said she would be mad, that others around her knew something about her that she didn’t even get to know. Oh, and she said I couldn’t have done this to her because I look like me, and she looks like her. All are very good points. I am white with blue eyes, and she is brown skinned with almost black eyes.

What sounds easier? One big talk, or fifty little talks? Which is scarier? To me. Fifty little talks seems the logical way to approach such a big emotional talk. One step at a time, little pieces unfolded each time, or a surprise marathon? No thanks. I don’t want the surprise 26 mile run. Give me 26 different one mile fun runs over the span of years please and thank you.

How did the little talks unfold for us? Did we avoid anger, sadness or surprise with this approach? Not exactly.

We have talked openly about adoption since before our children could speak. We showed them pictures from their adoption days, and prior to adoption. We told them “the day you joined our family” type stories as they grew. Being adopted was never going to be a surprise to them. Or so I thought.

Then, one day as I lay down beside my son, (who joined our family first as our foster son, and later as our official forever Fillebaum son) I asked him if he remembered who’s belly he grew in… I thought for sure he did. He has seen her. We have pictures together. We have talked about her since his beginning in our family. But on that day, he didn’t remember so I reminded him. I guess this time he could understand a little more than he had before (age wise) and he had a reaction of anger. I was surprised. I was glad I had thought to bring her up again though, because I wanted him to know her. I wanted him to know his story. However, even with the small talks, we didn’t avoid anger, and we didn’t avoid surprise.

Avoiding those emotions was never my goal. I just wanted to always be with my child when they first experienced the adoption news and resulting upset. On that day, I was able to tell my son the how you joined our family story once again after he calmed. I found that the thing that brought him comfort the most, was the fact his older sister is adopted too. He said, I grew in my mom’s belly, like she grew in her mom’s belly? “Yes. Exactly! And now I get to be your forever mom. You have two mom’s.” He was ok and we let the talk end there.

I feel grateful that because I am having these hard conversations with my children while they are young. I get to cry with my child, and hold my child. My child won’t deal with the truth of adoption and the messy feelings that can come with it, in a college dorm room where I’m not there to guide him or her through the questioning and the sadness. Hard things are easier to bear when the weight can be shared. I’m more than happy to help my child carry the load.

To answer the question: How much will they understand?

I’d say answer the questions they ask, and constantly reaffirm they are loved and the fact their birth family couldn’t raise them does not mean their birth family did not love them. A child needs to know they are loved where they are, they belong where they are, but they are free to also ask about the place that they are not. They don’t need to dislike their first family, to be happy in their adoptive family. I want my child to know their first family loved them, in the ways they could. Both my children were given life, and that alone is a choice that didn’t have to be made by their first family. My child can wish that they could have thrived in their first family home. We all wish for things that sometimes cannot be. That’s ok. It’s ok to wonder about, it’s ok to talk with you about, and adoption and all it entails is a safe and welcome discussion whenever they desire it.

Just the other day, my son asked if I missed our recent child foster placement. He said he didn’t miss the whining. I took that opportunity to tell my young son that although I didn’t miss the whining either, I do miss that child. I loved that child, and although they didn’t belong in our home forever didn’t mean that I don’t love them or miss them. Then, I thought to remind him again that he grew in his birth mom’s belly and the fact that she doesn’t get to raise him every day doesn’t mean that she doesn’t miss him or love him. I asked if he understood and he nodded as if he does. He is only five years old. That’s a big idea to understand that love doesn’t stop just because ability to parent may have stopped. I would like my son to know that we are allowed to be glad to be where we are and still miss where we aren’t and what we wish it could have been.

Adoption is good. Adoption is only needed if there is hard and unwanted circumstance that doesn’t allow a person to parent. Adoption can be beautiful. Adoption starts with loss. Try as you might, you can’t untie the brokenness and the beauty. In adoption brokenness, beauty, loss, belonging, good and the hard are all knotted together. We don’t have to untie and separate. Macramé is the art of tying knots…..we could end up with a big knotted mess, or a masterpiece. I think the approach matters. The way we walk adoption out with our children matters. It’s not just a child joining our family, it’s you joining their family. Adoption should look like coming alongside each other and seeing what unfolds as we walk out life together.

My child’s first family wasn’t safe. How do I present that truth to my child?

Your child comes with a first family. It’s ok to have two families. Both families can love this child, and not be threatened by each other. I believe if we as the adoptive parent really love our child we will allow them to have both families. That doesn’t mean that they have to be in contact with the first family (if that is unsafe or not an option due to choice of birth parent, geography, or death), but emotionally your child should be not just allowed but encouraged to carry all their family with them in each and every day in a positive way. The carrying of both families is completely possible with your help as the adoptive parent. What do I mean in a positive way? Well, God used that first family to create your child. He didn’t choose you or I. There must be a reason for that. I say first family creating my child is a positive! I tell my son and daughter they wouldn’t be who they are without their first family, and I love who my children are, so I love their first family. Two of my children get their beauty from their first family. My son gets his love of hard work and the outdoors from his birth dad. He gets his sweetness from his birth mom. I know this because I know his birth family. With my daughter I have to speculate that at least some of the things she loves are from her birth family when they aren’t things she learned from us. We have fun envisioning her mom or dad with their hair in their face just like her. We wonder if they have pets since she LOVES animals (more than people.) These are all fun positive things we talk about when we talk about her birth family.

There are hard things to accept as well. There are struggles that our children will face that are unique to those who have experienced trauma of losing a first family, and all that can come with. Again I ask that as an adoptive parent, we bear the load with our children verses avoid acknowledging the load exists. Much beauty is to be found and experienced. Embracing the work is courageous. Let’s be brave together.