The Road to You

I’ve written the below for the little one I was able to love on, in my home, for a little short of one year. He was our foster son, but I was unable to meet his needs long term, and had to let go. He was placed back into the hands of a social worker, and I’ve not been able to see him since.

I’ve been thinking a lot about you little one

How it was to love you

How I wasn’t strong enough to go with you when I had to choose to have you leave me

I wish I could have given you one last kiss

But Eric did

I was too worn out from fighting the decision within myself

I was too afraid I was making a mistake

I was too disappointed that God had not made me enough for you

I had wanted to be your mother 

You were such a gift

But today I know

You were still a gift (despite the ending)

Because of you, the next time I needed to choose to have a little one move

I was able to hold them

Cry over them

Kiss them a few more times

Then I was able to trust that God went with them and there must be purpose in my having to say goodbye

I’ll never stop thinking of you

There will never be a year that at some point I don’t cry when I remember the goodbye

But, because of you 

I go forward stronger, wiser, and more hopeful that where you are is where you were meant to be 

And where I am is where I am meant to be

Our paths were meant to cross and split and that was for both our good, not end. 

Merry Christmas bud. I do look forward to the day I’ll see you again.